Lazy Sunday

With preparations well under way for my tour, I felt a lazy day was essential--after all, exploring sock monkey's need a little rest too.
Here's a little checklist of things I need to do before I go:  
-  Find renters for my Yurt in the Yukon.  Any takers?  
-  Make sure my Elephant, Richard Dean has a place to go while I am gone.  Elephants don't travel too well in trains.  
-  Get a replacement teacher for my Ancient Sumerian Early Dynastic Period Art History class.  (That shouldn't be hard.)  
-  Contact the Quartermaster's Chicago Subsistence Research Laboratory about a supply of field rations for emergencies.
-  Set up an "All Around the World" benefit concert (Support your local Sock Monkey!)

Sasquatch Hunting, Harrison, BC

The Sasquatch; aka Yeti, Bigfoot, Abominable Snowman, and so on and so forth. And yet, a Sasquatch by any other name would still smell...like a rotting animal hide.

This week I visited one of my favorite places of solace: Harrison Hot Springs, in British Columbia. Ahh, Harrison-- the rejuvenating spring of life, and the overflowing abundance of wealthy travelers seeking rest and relaxation. But the springs were not my purpose for this particular trip. Oh no; I came to seek out the famed Harry and the Henderson's of Harrison, the Wookie of our world -- the Sasquatch.

Native oral tradition has placed the Sasquatch in Harrison for many hundreds of years. Legend says that wild Ape-men of the bush would come out and kidnap the women of the tribes. Upon arrival in the Ape-man’s camp however, the women would soon discover other women that had been kidnapped and become mates of the ape-men.

The Sasquatch is one of cryptozoologies most famous members. Sightings range from the unsure, to the unreal. In the early 1900’s a Harrison area resident claimed to have been abducted by Sasquatch for a whole week and was held hostage in a camp consisting of Mama Sasquatch, Papa Sasquatch, Brother Sasquatch & Sister Sasquatch. What a lovely picturesque family they must have made.

Whatever stories, real or contrived; whatever skepticism’s, founded our unfounded--I went on my way to discover if there is any truth in the legend. Six days alone in the forests of British Columbia. Would I find what I was looking for?

Day One
Now, modern Sasquatch hunting is fairly dubious. While some Sasologists believe that patience is a virtue, most would all agree that sitting and waiting will not get you a that $25,000 newsworthy shot of a Sasquatch. Perhaps I could call one by some form of communication? Since it is springtime, I assumed that it would be prime mating season for the Sasquatch. What would a Sasquatch mating call sound like? My first thought was to make a Wookie noise. I found, however, the only thing that did was scare the birds. Obviously George Lucas was not channelling his inner Sasquatch when he fabricated the famous Wookie wail.

Day Two
I consulted my notes and discovered that when Albert Ostman was abducted in 1924, he recalled the Sasquatch’s saying something that sounded like “Sooka sooka”. I must have been calling out “sooka” for about an hour without any avail.  

Day Three
So location, to me, would be the next most important factor in finding my subject. I headed out to Sasquatch Provincial Park and roamed the forests trying to find a tuft of hair, or *gag* a piece of excrement. Still calling out “sooka”, I made my way through the trails--eyes peeled and camera ready. I saw some squirrels. I also saw some geese, one bluejay and got chased by a dog.

Day Four
It is possible that Sasquatch’s attract each other with a smell. My research has uncovered that in many Sasquatch encounters, people have reported a strong, almost unbearable smell of rotting animal hide and excrement. This one was tough; but after much deliberation and for the sake of science, I concocted for myself an “Eau De Sasquatch” and doused myself with it.
Words cannot express the odiousness of my state.

I really hoped that this would be the thing that got ‘em. But perhaps these Sasquatches are not as simple we have made them out to be. After all, do not Sasquatches have eyes to see with as well?

Day Five
I made myself a Sasquatch suit. Now, I’m no Vera Wang, but I’ve got to say--I’ve got some mad seamster skills. My Sasquatch suit is bound to fool someone--and I intend on that someone being of the bipedal apelike kind. Forget the fact that I’m only a foot and a half tall: I intend on posing as a baby sasquatch looking for it’s parents. A clever guise, no?

With high hopes, I set out again.

Hours upon hours of trekking in a makeshift (or as Macgyver would say, “jury-rigged”) Sasquatch suit made for one very worn out Sock Monkey. Not to mention the fact that I hadn’t so much as caught one glimpse of the creature in question. Albeit I did get trailed by some coyotes later on in the evening and I happened to see some vultures circling up above, but I hardly doubt that those are indicative of Sasquatches.

Day Six
My many years as a guide in Northern BC have taught me a few things. Always carry matches. Just because some wildlife may be small and cute, doesn’t mean that they are friendly. And if you set out with the intention of finding an illusive creature, all you will see are chipmunks and crows. So with that final thought, I packed up my bags, and headed out.

And I hoped no one would notice how I smelt.

Who is Rockford Bernstein?

Who is he? In short--a wayfaring phenom, a nomadic marvel--a globetrotting superstar of a sock monkey. Women can't get enough of his savvy intellectual style. Men want his uninhibited way of living. And everyone wants to know--what is Rockford's next big move going to be?

You are in the right place. Here you'll get an exclusive look into Rockford's preparations for, and the happenings of his year long backpacking tour titled "All Around the World". An in-depth diary into the heart and soul of one of the worlds most favorite sock monkeys, "All Around the World (with Rockford Bernstein)" will do more than just showcase Rockford's odyssey--it will entice the mind for a thirst of the world. It will encourage everyone--man, woman & child--not to just see the world, but also to know it.